This is an open letter to D- R- J-. he may see it, he may not. I'm posting it to dump out all the turmoil that's been in my head and heart since the stupid fight, the other day. I have to say these things because I have to lay out my truth. It may not be happy and pleasant, but often the things we need to see are not.
i dont say any of this to hurt. i say it because i am hurt.  you invalidated me, and tried to blame me for conditions which i had no part in creating.
my aim is always to lift those conditions,
 you allow them to keep on operating, because you let fear control your actions.
you'll say i dont understand. and i'll counter that i think that you don't understand, since you order me to silence myself, every time i try to show you what i see,
so i will use this, to say what you wouldnt let me.

if your supposed job in existence is to keep his daughter safe, you've done a crap job of it, havent you? i'm taking all you've told me, about your times, together and apart, and just looking at those. I'm basing what i'm seeing, on that.
the whole world may not be aware of A...n, but they know his son, T...n. not for anything significant to world history, but for all the riches laid in with him.  like crows, the world marvels and covets the shiny things, despite the fact they can't do a thing with them. that life, he tried to bring his time, up into a higher understanding, by pointing to the sun and the Light for the true Source that it is, not all the imaginary  alien overlords his people believed were theirs. maybe they really once existed. maybe they were an alien race, who taught humans. if so, there was still  a higher consciousness, to which they owed their brilliance, but ... efforts to spread this understanding failed. they destroyed every vestige of your time ..., once you passed. only your son brought remembrance of you back to light, thousands of years later.  and it was not for the prime understanding you wanted them to get. so-- you failed at that one. blame the stubbornness of humanity. or the vested careers of the priesthood. we still have that today. thats not your fault, so dont beat yourself up--ok?
.
then there's the jewish one. now, that incarnation, the world does know. far and wide, everyone has heard of that lifetime. not because of what you did, but because it served someone's ambitions to adopt it for purposes to control the people.  thats not your fault. thats theirs.  years later, people think they know what you wanted the world to understand. i find it highly ironic that all my life i have tried to live as i understood that teaching to be, and now i find it seems that you, yourself, can't live to it.
when i was believing that my angelic messenger was you, i worked myself into a transcendent state of love and heavenly adoration for what i thought was you. turns out you aren't all that. you have failings and flaws and all too- human weaknesses, which keep bringing you down out of the Divine and keeping you sadly down in the human plane.  I'm down here, too, so i have my profound regrets over my own human failings.  i am speaking   to you from these lessons, which i have borne the hard way.

you and yours love to tell me i come off  like 'a know it all'.
get past that reaction and listen.
i know, because i did it, and i watched the disaster that followed.
ignore me if you want to replay that needless disaster.
pay attention, if you want to know what to do.
or maybe i'm wasting my words and you stubnjjbornly have to make your own mistakes.
i'm still going to explain what i found out by painful error.

let's go to the life in I in the 1600s. How well did you succeed in protecting her in that time? resoundingly  unable, from what you tell me.  B and C and your children suffered unspeakable horror and met with unbeleivably brutal ends.  so count that one as another failure.

forward to the life as w and c. How could you go off to the  war and leave her alone and unprotected, if your duty was to be there to protect her? you could have found a way, if your aim was on it.  no, you went off to the fields and got killed and wandered in a fog till 19xx.
now, i take this moment to point out something about her, which none of you seem to see or encourage. she bore out the rest of that life as a widow, alone. she was still there when you reincarnated  and you recognized one another in the neighborhood. 
contrast her stength, with the constitution of your x, who had to endure the same scenario in the same time, when your y went  off to the same war, and never returned. your yy's mother coudnt  bear to live as a widow. she took her own  life and left your father orphaned.
not the same evident strength of spirit that c kept.  again, i dont say this to throw shade, only to contrast, for understanding the differences. i feel sympathy for the one who couldnt, honor to the one who did.
my point is. the innate strength. that she doesnt seem to realize she has.  i see it all the time, and i despair, every time i watch her shrink back down to believing she''s 'just a dumnmy'!

that lie has got to be lifted off of her mind. whoever put it there was full of shit, but she still believes it about herself! and every time i try to encourage her and show her her own power, you all rush in and shut me up. you chime in with all the terrible things you're afraid of.

let me tell you what happens when you let your fear win. you lose the most important thing you were ever given.
 and this is why your most recent  looks like it does--and why hers is where it is, as we speak.  and incidentally, why mine does, as well.  because you let Fear win out, you didn't act on the courage of your truth.  And i've watched you anguish over it, by doing pointless things that still dont get the lesson!  i watched you cut yourself up  and cry that you were no man, so weak, so guilty....but you never find the strength to throw off that fear, and act decisively to make what you wanted to, reality.
and on the opposite pole, how is it that you had enough stubborn will to keep on pushing for being recognized as a  star, despite your first three triess getting nowhere, your first try hitting a wall, for its treacly efforts, saying nothing to the era-- while the Beatles put out theirs on the same day?

but that didnt stop you, and make you consider, 'maybe this isn't what I'm meant to be.'

no. you kept on, in the face of obvious failure, and in fact, your stubbornness was so intent, you married--not out of anything like sacred love, but to further cynical ambition.  your mother saw right through that, and told you so, in plain language. but you couldnt heed the message.
you tell me now that 'everything in my career was shite"--and you knew so,--but you kept on. the things you did to your spouse-- and that she did to you--, made the marriage a hellhole, and a profaning of that sacred joining. but it still wasnt sufficient to stop you from doing it.

to your credit, when you went to europe, it looked like you'd finally gotten your head out of your ass and walked away from the insanity. you cleaned up [mostly]. you divorced the demon. you took up raising your child in earnest. but you still didnt see what you were doing by letting fear control your considerations.  there were numerous points when you could have ordered the parasites out of your life forever. you could have quit that career and validly severed any role or need for them that they could have used against you. but look what you did. and didnt do.  you caved to fear. you let it control you. where was that stubborn will to do as you determined was going to happen? you say 'but i feared for my child!'  where was your fear about that, all those years you werent there?  far away, in someone else's care? all that time, the parasites were no less threatening, their personality was no different--but you had no fear leaving your little one far away. so look at it! if you could do that, then, such threats ought not have made you flicker in the slightest. without you, they have no job. if you opt to stop being The Product, theres no more need to employ anyone. if being your kid's Dad really WAS your life, and you had acted upon that, with the steely conviction of your Truth, the leech would have had to disappear.  no pretext to remain. If you had the steely resolve to say 'go ahead. do your worst. i'm doing this and no one is going to daunt me', when it came to your intention to be what you set out be, then why not that same resolve over anything else?

and what happened next? you met n-r and said ' i want to be number 1'.  ask and ye shall receive. be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. the universe shrugged in doubt and said 'ok---we thought, by now, you'd learned your lesson from the last time, but you still want  to push for this. okay. as you wish: abracadabra"---and your number 1 goes global.
and, oh by the way, you'd already found your soulmate, when she had that seizure in the park, which had nothing to do with your  career; you were with your mother and your kid in the park, that day, and that fated meeting wasnt dependent upon your getting famous; that was normal life.
so again, you missed the cues that fate or heaven or the universe was giving you, and plunged right on with your steely resolve not to be stopped in your aims.
you need to study that. if you can do that for one objective, you can do it with another. why didn't you let fear paralyze you when your early tries got nowhere? why do you fall  apart in fear at some things, but not at others?  and look at the things you are letting stand, now, today, because you are believing fear, instead of your clear resolve.  the situation is intolerable, but you're letting fear keep on winning, instead of remembering your unstoppable intent to make your aim happen.

the thing you see me do, which galls you so much, is that i have seen thru fear--- and gotten furiously angry that i let that lying advisor convince me  that if i act, disaser will ensue.  it was because i listened to that lying counselor, i let my son's entire childhood go by without me. fear convinced me i could not win. fear convinced me not to even try. fear convinced me i was not worthy. and i let it ddo that to me. i did that.

you like Lord Of The Rings so much, you named your pp after gollum? my character in LOTR is Grima Wormtongue. thats the most instructive entity in that story, for me: the constantly close counselor, who pours defeat and hopelessness in your ears, until you give up in paralysis, and crust over in powerlessness, having long forgotten your original self.  you have one too. and because i listened to that lying counselor, i never tried to go back to court and ask for my kid. because of that, stepan  believed i didnt want him and killed himself.  that liar was whispering in his ear, too, and he believed it.  he still believes it, even now.

and when i try to tell you or your wife things, to break the lie--- that this counselor is feeding you, to control you, you bolt and scream. you believe him so complettely, you argue for his lies!!

is it a kindness-- to just let someone you care about, just stay frozen in their fear? to give up on them and leave them there? knowing they can not find the resolve, to dare, do even the first thing, to break out of their situation?
it's not for any practical reason, but only due to their imagination of what they FEAR might happen?
do you just leave them in that and walk away? if you care?
. . . . .
ya know what? nevermind. you are never going to accept anything from me.  this is a completely wasted effort.  i'm only going to keep getting hurt, because i want to be taken for the valid human being that i know i am, and that is never going to happen when i'm around you.

all this came looking for me and i wasnt expecting it. i've met it with whatever i could, and for this, i've been hurt repeatedly. i havent deserved the hurt i've encountered. it used to feel like walking with open arms into a buzz saw, and feeling my guts get splattered all across the walls....i've gotten a thicker skin, over time, but i see that nobody cares when they do hurt me, even now.

i must have misunderstood:  here, i always thought we were supposed to care about the whole family of man, of life, period. i thought we came here to love and to learn and gather understanding.  i see not everyone realizes this. i see people who still think the objective is to get all they can amass, materially. or to get famous. or to get power and control.  i watch people who delight in making others suffer, or to fear, or believe they're guilty.  i meet people who claim to be enlightened and evolved, and then with time spent with them, i find out they werent as evolved as i hoped to find... i have fallen short of who i had aspired to be, who i tried so hard to be, and i'm abjectly sorrowful at my own failings.  but saddest is to realize, that the people i was sure, felt as i did,  show themselves as not  interested, in anyone but whoever else shares their DNA...biologically understandable, i suppose...but not evolved above the apes.  quick to deal out hurt, first, without taking time to understand the situation,

oh, and maybe they'll distantly consider apologizing, later, if they even reflect upon it, at all.

Socrates chose to drink the hemlock, rather than to recant his truth. Joan of Arc chose to burn at the stake, rather than recant her truth. Refusing to recant what you know to be true is fraught with threat.  Most have achilles' heels they can be manipulated by, to force them to back down from their truth. So we have the state of the world as it is, today.  A world governed by lies and fear, and falsity and miserable subjugation. People feeling that by themselves, they can't fight it, that it's useless, just keep your head down and don't attract attention.  Steve Jobs said "only those people who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world, are the ones who do".
He lived his truth and indeed changed the world. I don't think I --by myself-- can change the world. god knows, i tried.

But if i just take the abuse and choke off my truth, the Dark wins. It keeps winning, every time one of us backs down and recants what we know is true. it wins every time we cave to fear.
  I have endured being locked in mental hospitals and drugged. Been 'treated', by 'experts', in attempts to 'deprogram and reprogram' me, into being 'what society says is normal'.
It failed.  I remain myself.  I can't swallow the lie. I can't shut up. Instead of annoying you, this should encourage you--- to stand up and do likewise.  Your life turned out the way it did because, at critical points, you didn't act upon your truth.  And what you did, in turn, determined what happened to the lives of other people.  And as it turns out, the people you gave your time to and 'voted to' go with, were the ones you cared the least about.  Those you wanted most to spend your life with, you lost. Children who never came to fruition. The true love of your soul, who was left to make her way without you, ending up with a life totally alien to her heart, because you  didnt act on the knowledge of your own truth.  And it's brought you and her to how things are today. But you want me to shut up and back down and go away.  You would rather let Fear keep you and her trapped in these straits, than to Bust A Move and do what you really want.  I see all kinds of ways to dissolve this miserable impasse, but you want me to swallow my truth.  Don't talk. Don't rock the boat. Stifle yaself, Edith.

That's right. Blame me-- when I had no part in any of those fateful moments, when you gave Fear the upper hand. You made every one of those decisions, when the moment was upon you, and I was nowhere in the picture. Not once, but twice, you paid no heed to the plain language of the wisdom your mother told you, and threw the sacred vows of marriage away, on selfish, conniving women who only lusted for fame and fortune. The first time didn't teach you. You did it again, 20 years later-- even though you'd met your soulmate by then, and knew you should call off the sham of a wedding to the harpy and marry the Right One.    You still didn't find the will to throw the parasite out of your life,--like those zombie ants who get controlled by a brain parasite-- and then you wasted 25 more years on your second golddigger, knowing who you should have been with, the whole time. 

But you want to get angry at me, instead of doing anything to rectify this state of affairs, that all track back to your choices, and what you did with your life.

I know some things that could dissolve the troubles that get in your way--yours and hers---but you won't  listen. I got this by hard personal experience, but no one wants to hear  it.  The loss is yours. I guess you aren't the person I took you for.  I'm hurt at how i've been treated, but luckily, there are 7 billion other humans in the world. You think I'm some insufferable knowitall. So says the guy who's read thousands of books, can carry on sparkling conversations, full of  100 dollar words, but still can't see the obvious right choices in front of him. the guy who freely admits he made millions, by putting a fake in front of the public., and blew the one Good Thing life brought him. He gave Fear the control, by not having the courage of his Truth.

I asked you , once, 'so what have you learned?'
you had no answer.

after reincarnating  over thousands of years, you still have no answer?

Really?
well.  ok...Then all this is pointless. You have everything you want, and she has nothing she wants. Congratulations.