This is an open letter to D- R- J-. he may see it, he may not. I'm posting it to dump out all the turmoil that's been in my head and heart since the stupid fight, the other day. I have to say these things because I have to lay out my truth. It may not be happy and pleasant, but often the things we need to see are not.
i dont say any of this to hurt. i say it because i am hurt.  you invalidated me, and tried to blame me for conditions which i had no part in creating.
my aim is always to lift those conditions,
 you allow them to keep on operating, because you let fear control your actions.
you'll say i dont understand. and i'll counter that i think that you don't understand, since you order me to silence myself, every time i try to show you what i see,
so i will use this, to say what you wouldnt let me.

if your supposed job in existence is to keep his daughter safe, you've done a crap job of it, havent you? i'm taking all you've told me, about your times, together and apart, and just looking at those. I'm basing what i'm seeing, on that.
the whole world may not be aware of A...n, but they know his son, T...n. not for anything significant to world history, but for all the riches laid in with him.  like crows, the world marvels and covets the shiny things, despite the fact they can't do a thing with them. that life, he tried to bring his time, up into a higher understanding, by pointing to the sun and the Light for the true Source that it is, not all the imaginary  alien overlords his people believed were theirs. maybe they really once existed. maybe they were an alien race, who taught humans. if so, there was still  a higher consciousness, to which they owed their brilliance, but ... efforts to spread this understanding failed. they destroyed every vestige of your time ..., once you passed. only your son brought remembrance of you back to light, thousands of years later.  and it was not for the prime understanding you wanted them to get. so-- you failed at that one. blame the stubbornness of humanity. or the vested careers of the priesthood. we still have that today. thats not your fault, so dont beat yourself up--ok?
.
then there's the jewish one. now, that incarnation, the world does know. far and wide, everyone has heard of that lifetime. not because of what you did, but because it served someone's ambitions to adopt it for purposes to control the people.  thats not your fault. thats theirs.  years later, people think they know what you wanted the world to understand. i find it highly ironic that all my life i have tried to live as i understood that teaching to be, and now i find it seems that you, yourself, can't live to it.
when i was believing that my angelic messenger was you, i worked myself into a transcendent state of love and heavenly adoration for what i thought was you. turns out you aren't all that. you have failings and flaws and all too- human weaknesses, which keep bringing you down out of the Divine and keeping you sadly down in the human plane.  I'm down here, too, so i have my profound regrets over my own human failings.  i am speaking   to you from these lessons, which i have borne the hard way.

you and yours love to tell me i come off  like 'a know it all'.
get past that reaction and listen.
i know, because i did it, and i watched the disaster that followed.
ignore me if you want to replay that needless disaster.
pay attention, if you want to know what to do.
or maybe i'm wasting my words and you stubnjjbornly have to make your own mistakes.
i'm still going to explain what i found out by painful error.

let's go to the life in I in the 1600s. How well did you succeed in protecting her in that time? resoundingly  unable, from what you tell me.  B and C and your children suffered unspeakable horror and met with unbeleivably brutal ends.  so count that one as another failure.

forward to the life as w and c. How could you go off to the  war and leave her alone and unprotected, if your duty was to be there to protect her? you could have found a way, if your aim was on it.  no, you went off to the fields and got killed and wandered in a fog till 19xx.
now, i take this moment to point out something about her, which none of you seem to see or encourage. she bore out the rest of that life as a widow, alone. she was still there when you reincarnated  and you recognized one another in the neighborhood. 
contrast her stength, with the constitution of your x, who had to endure the same scenario in the same time, when your y went  off to the same war, and never returned. your yy's mother coudnt  bear to live as a widow. she took her own  life and left your father orphaned.
not the same evident strength of spirit that c kept.  again, i dont say this to throw shade, only to contrast, for understanding the differences. i feel sympathy for the one who couldnt, honor to the one who did.
my point is. the innate strength. that she doesnt seem to realize she has.  i see it all the time, and i despair, every time i watch her shrink back down to believing she''s 'just a dumnmy'!

that lie has got to be lifted off of her mind. whoever put it there was full of shit, but she still believes it about herself! and every time i try to encourage her and show her her own power, you all rush in and shut me up. you chime in with all the terrible things you're afraid of.

let me tell you what happens when you let your fear win. you lose the most important thing you were ever given.
 and this is why your most recent  looks like it does--and why hers is where it is, as we speak.  and incidentally, why mine does, as well.  because you let Fear win out, you didn't act on the courage of your truth.  And i've watched you anguish over it, by doing pointless things that still dont get the lesson!  i watched you cut yourself up  and cry that you were no man, so weak, so guilty....but you never find the strength to throw off that fear, and act decisively to make what you wanted to, reality.
and on the opposite pole, how is it that you had enough stubborn will to keep on pushing for being recognized as a  star, despite your first three triess getting nowhere, your first try hitting a wall, for its treacly efforts, saying nothing to the era-- while the Beatles put out theirs on the same day?

but that didnt stop you, and make you consider, 'maybe this isn't what I'm meant to be.'

no. you kept on, in the face of obvious failure, and in fact, your stubbornness was so intent, you married--not out of anything like sacred love, but to further cynical ambition.  your mother saw right through that, and told you so, in plain language. but you couldnt heed the message.
you tell me now that 'everything in my career was shite"--and you knew so,--but you kept on. the things you did to your spouse-- and that she did to you--, made the marriage a hellhole, and a profaning of that sacred joining. but it still wasnt sufficient to stop you from doing it.

to your credit, when you went to europe, it looked like you'd finally gotten your head out of your ass and walked away from the insanity. you cleaned up [mostly]. you divorced the demon. you took up raising your child in earnest. but you still didnt see what you were doing by letting fear control your considerations.  there were numerous points when you could have ordered the parasites out of your life forever. you could have quit that career and validly severed any role or need for them that they could have used against you. but look what you did. and didnt do.  you caved to fear. you let it control you. where was that stubborn will to do as you determined was going to happen? you say 'but i feared for my child!'  where was your fear about that, all those years you werent there?  far away, in someone else's care? all that time, the parasites were no less threatening, their personality was no different--but you had no fear leaving your little one far away. so look at it! if you could do that, then, such threats ought not have made you flicker in the slightest. without you, they have no job. if you opt to stop being The Product, theres no more need to employ anyone. if being your kid's Dad really WAS your life, and you had acted upon that, with the steely conviction of your Truth, the leech would have had to disappear.  no pretext to remain. If you had the steely resolve to say 'go ahead. do your worst. i'm doing this and no one is going to daunt me', when it came to your intention to be what you set out be, then why not that same resolve over anything else?

and what happened next? you met n-r and said ' i want to be number 1'.  ask and ye shall receive. be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it. the universe shrugged in doubt and said 'ok---we thought, by now, you'd learned your lesson from the last time, but you still want  to push for this. okay. as you wish: abracadabra"---and your number 1 goes global.
and, oh by the way, you'd already found your soulmate, when she had that seizure in the park, which had nothing to do with your  career; you were with your mother and your kid in the park, that day, and that fated meeting wasnt dependent upon your getting famous; that was normal life.
so again, you missed the cues that fate or heaven or the universe was giving you, and plunged right on with your steely resolve not to be stopped in your aims.
you need to study that. if you can do that for one objective, you can do it with another. why didn't you let fear paralyze you when your early tries got nowhere? why do you fall  apart in fear at some things, but not at others?  and look at the things you are letting stand, now, today, because you are believing fear, instead of your clear resolve.  the situation is intolerable, but you're letting fear keep on winning, instead of remembering your unstoppable intent to make your aim happen.

the thing you see me do, which galls you so much, is that i have seen thru fear--- and gotten furiously angry that i let that lying advisor convince me  that if i act, disaser will ensue.  it was because i listened to that lying counselor, i let my son's entire childhood go by without me. fear convinced me i could not win. fear convinced me not to even try. fear convinced me i was not worthy. and i let it ddo that to me. i did that.

you like Lord Of The Rings so much, you named your pp after gollum? my character in LOTR is Grima Wormtongue. thats the most instructive entity in that story, for me: the constantly close counselor, who pours defeat and hopelessness in your ears, until you give up in paralysis, and crust over in powerlessness, having long forgotten your original self.  you have one too. and because i listened to that lying counselor, i never tried to go back to court and ask for my kid. because of that, stepan  believed i didnt want him and killed himself.  that liar was whispering in his ear, too, and he believed it.  he still believes it, even now.

and when i try to tell you or your wife things, to break the lie--- that this counselor is feeding you, to control you, you bolt and scream. you believe him so complettely, you argue for his lies!!

is it a kindness-- to just let someone you care about, just stay frozen in their fear? to give up on them and leave them there? knowing they can not find the resolve, to dare, do even the first thing, to break out of their situation?
it's not for any practical reason, but only due to their imagination of what they FEAR might happen?
do you just leave them in that and walk away? if you care?
. . . . .
ya know what? nevermind. you are never going to accept anything from me.  this is a completely wasted effort.  i'm only going to keep getting hurt, because i want to be taken for the valid human being that i know i am, and that is never going to happen when i'm around you.

all this came looking for me and i wasnt expecting it. i've met it with whatever i could, and for this, i've been hurt repeatedly. i havent deserved the hurt i've encountered. it used to feel like walking with open arms into a buzz saw, and feeling my guts get splattered all across the walls....i've gotten a thicker skin, over time, but i see that nobody cares when they do hurt me, even now.

i must have misunderstood:  here, i always thought we were supposed to care about the whole family of man, of life, period. i thought we came here to love and to learn and gather understanding.  i see not everyone realizes this. i see people who still think the objective is to get all they can amass, materially. or to get famous. or to get power and control.  i watch people who delight in making others suffer, or to fear, or believe they're guilty.  i meet people who claim to be enlightened and evolved, and then with time spent with them, i find out they werent as evolved as i hoped to find... i have fallen short of who i had aspired to be, who i tried so hard to be, and i'm abjectly sorrowful at my own failings.  but saddest is to realize, that the people i was sure, felt as i did,  show themselves as not  interested, in anyone but whoever else shares their DNA...biologically understandable, i suppose...but not evolved above the apes.  quick to deal out hurt, first, without taking time to understand the situation,

oh, and maybe they'll distantly consider apologizing, later, if they even reflect upon it, at all.

Socrates chose to drink the hemlock, rather than to recant his truth. Joan of Arc chose to burn at the stake, rather than recant her truth. Refusing to recant what you know to be true is fraught with threat.  Most have achilles' heels they can be manipulated by, to force them to back down from their truth. So we have the state of the world as it is, today.  A world governed by lies and fear, and falsity and miserable subjugation. People feeling that by themselves, they can't fight it, that it's useless, just keep your head down and don't attract attention.  Steve Jobs said "only those people who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world, are the ones who do".
He lived his truth and indeed changed the world. I don't think I --by myself-- can change the world. god knows, i tried.

But if i just take the abuse and choke off my truth, the Dark wins. It keeps winning, every time one of us backs down and recants what we know is true. it wins every time we cave to fear.
  I have endured being locked in mental hospitals and drugged. Been 'treated', by 'experts', in attempts to 'deprogram and reprogram' me, into being 'what society says is normal'.
It failed.  I remain myself.  I can't swallow the lie. I can't shut up. Instead of annoying you, this should encourage you--- to stand up and do likewise.  Your life turned out the way it did because, at critical points, you didn't act upon your truth.  And what you did, in turn, determined what happened to the lives of other people.  And as it turns out, the people you gave your time to and 'voted to' go with, were the ones you cared the least about.  Those you wanted most to spend your life with, you lost. Children who never came to fruition. The true love of your soul, who was left to make her way without you, ending up with a life totally alien to her heart, because you  didnt act on the knowledge of your own truth.  And it's brought you and her to how things are today. But you want me to shut up and back down and go away.  You would rather let Fear keep you and her trapped in these straits, than to Bust A Move and do what you really want.  I see all kinds of ways to dissolve this miserable impasse, but you want me to swallow my truth.  Don't talk. Don't rock the boat. Stifle yaself, Edith.

That's right. Blame me-- when I had no part in any of those fateful moments, when you gave Fear the upper hand. You made every one of those decisions, when the moment was upon you, and I was nowhere in the picture. Not once, but twice, you paid no heed to the plain language of the wisdom your mother told you, and threw the sacred vows of marriage away, on selfish, conniving women who only lusted for fame and fortune. The first time didn't teach you. You did it again, 20 years later-- even though you'd met your soulmate by then, and knew you should call off the sham of a wedding to the harpy and marry the Right One.    You still didn't find the will to throw the parasite out of your life,--like those zombie ants who get controlled by a brain parasite-- and then you wasted 25 more years on your second golddigger, knowing who you should have been with, the whole time. 

But you want to get angry at me, instead of doing anything to rectify this state of affairs, that all track back to your choices, and what you did with your life.

I know some things that could dissolve the troubles that get in your way--yours and hers---but you won't  listen. I got this by hard personal experience, but no one wants to hear  it.  The loss is yours. I guess you aren't the person I took you for.  I'm hurt at how i've been treated, but luckily, there are 7 billion other humans in the world. You think I'm some insufferable knowitall. So says the guy who's read thousands of books, can carry on sparkling conversations, full of  100 dollar words, but still can't see the obvious right choices in front of him. the guy who freely admits he made millions, by putting a fake in front of the public., and blew the one Good Thing life brought him. He gave Fear the control, by not having the courage of his Truth.

I asked you , once, 'so what have you learned?'
you had no answer.

after reincarnating  over thousands of years, you still have no answer?

Really?
well.  ok...Then all this is pointless. You have everything you want, and she has nothing she wants. Congratulations.

this post has nothing to do with channeling. this one is about roommate problems, and my crippled social skills.

i'm throwing this open to any of you who know me and consider yourself  to be my friend. i can be the world's dumbest genius and i often need things explained to me, things that everyone else can see easily.

my sis bought me a house for my 60th birthday. it was supposed to be 'so i would never have to fear eviction again.'  i thought that i should go it alone in solitaire for this part of my life.  having no son, no parents, no husband or job to be responsible to anymore, i thought i should take this time in my life to get to know who i am now.
but those i lived with at my last place, could not, or did not, find themselves another place to go, by the time moving day came. They ended up coming with me, by default.
because i was not happy at being forced to move from a place i had taken care of for 14 years, and having allowed this house to be the one taken by default, i moved in, clutched in fear, and overwhelmed by change i never wanted to have.
i know i took out my unhappiness on roommate number 1. i know i loaded him up with all the jobs i didnt want to face.  i was secretly hoping to make his life so hard, he'd say ' fuck this' and go. but he didn't. he grumped about 'him having 15 job, mon' and accepted whatever i gave him to do. be the dishwasher. take out the trash. change the catboxes. clean the bathroom once a week. mow the back lawn. pull the weeds. and anything else that came up, that i didnt want to face.

he came to refer to the sense of oppressive duty as 'the voices in his head that nagged at him like 1950's parents and civic leaders, carping on him to get up and do this, do that, you're lazy, you're a welfare cheat, get married, make babies, get a job, work work work!'
i asked if he wasnt gettng it from me, psychically. he says no.

then came roommate number 2. a friend of number 1's in our previous city, his wife put him out and told him to go think on what he wanted of life, and tell her when he knew his answer. he was bipolar and being wrongly medicated, leading to violent and strange beaviors that imperiled their baby. they had loved each other once, but his disorder brought on dangers she couldnt permit around the infant.
my friend, roomate 1, offered his bedroom floor as shelter to number 2.  he didnt bring me the request beforehand, he brought his buddy home with him, and then explained. he askd if it was alright--- with the guy right in front of me. i didnt know this person, and no time limit was mentioned. i said ok, but was irked that i wasnt asked in advance and we hadnt discussed how long this would be for.
days turned into weeks turned into months.  number 2 was quiet, polite, unobtrusive, went to work and came home, helped do work in the yard when asked, and we counseled him when he wanted to talk.

months later his family said they would help him, so i nudged him to pack up and go to them, anxious to get the household back down to 2.
fast forward to the new house. again roomie 1 announces his buddy is coming from out of state and is it ok for him to stay in our house?  not asking beforehand, waiting until his friend is already making the trip.
he still hasnt learned from the previous time.
or he's deliberately manipulating me, by setting it up to happen like this. assumes i'm a soft touch and won't say no.

i find out number 2 is supposedly doing this to connect with his estranged wife and child, whom he hasnt seen in some years, who live downstate from us and are supposed to be renting a car to drive up to see him. one weekend only.
he arrives. she fails to come. didnt secure the rental car. trip made for nothing.
i have been him, i have been her. i have been the child. i have compassion for all and each of them. i've been the kid whose dad disappears. i've beenn the mom who shoulders parenting by myself because dad is more problem than solution. i've been the parent without custody nor access for years. so i wanted to give all of them a way to see each other.  i pointed out to number 2 that if he just moved in with us, the entire year would be open for his wife and daughter to get up to see him. so he did that. mom and daughter drove up some time later.
fast forward again. mom gets stunning word that her landlord has suddenly decided to take back his house and wants them out in 30 days. she has situations lined up, but not ready before 30 days is up.  i say it seeems evident to me that she's meant to come up here, with us, if nothing else is appearing.
so mom and kid come move up into the house. dad-roomate 2--gives them his bedroom and moves out to the living room.
now we have roommate 1, 2 3 and 4. and me.
why did i do it? because i have a heart. because i too was in their position when i was a young parent, and people did this for me when i was in need. and i hoped that them being together again, with mediators, they might solve their marriage issues and reconcile, for their own sakes and their child's.
one bathroom for 5 people. the entire house, which was supposed to be my space, shrinks down to me having only my bedroom as my turf.  over time, i feel like i'm giving up more and more to keep peace under this roof. none of these people would have a place to live if i hadnt opened to them. my repeated efforts to get them to undersstand that i didnt want this to become permanent, get met with uproar, complaint, anger, disgust and dismissal. --'oh, THIS again!'
the mom has been endeavoring, nonstop, to secure work, to move on. she's miserable.  so am i. so is roomate 1. so is roomate 2. yet nobody talks openly abouut what they are miserable about. nor will open up and put their preoccupations on the common table, in effort to get to a better understanding. each one keeps their misery internal, and pushes on. bearing their unhappiness themselves.

i liken this house to a car on a trip. a car can only have one driver at the wheel at a time. someone has to drive. everyone else can have input, and the car and driver get all of them to a future destination, but SOMEONE has to be the driver.
i see my responsibility    for this household as the driver and owner of this car. i picked up other passengers but its still my car, my responsibility to maintain it, and it falls to me to keep peace, and try to strike a balance that everyone is comfortable riding with.  not too hot, not too cold, enough bathroom breaks, everybody gets enough food, if i go too fast or too slow, somebody tell me so and i'll accommodate.

problem: roommate 1 is a believer in the kind of anarchy where no one lords it over anyone else. he hates leaders. he snarls at the characters on tv who bully others. his major charge at me in fights is 'because you have to have control! you always have to have it your WAY!'
and i frown in puzzlement and say ' this isnt for ME----this is for the good of everybody in this house!'
or, when it IS for me, i point out how rarely i ask for something, considering what i give.
considering what?
well...
there's the fact that no one else here has a credit history. they can't open utilities in their own name. they can't get cable in their own name. only  I have the history enough to do that.  and so i did. if i ended my accounts and i left, nobody here would be able to put the water, lights, gas , internet or tv service in their own name.
yet i dont have tv in my bedroom. roomie 1 owns the one in the livingroom and the one in his bedroom. if i want to watch tv, which i have made possible, it leads to uproar with roomie 1, who doesn want to share time on his bedroom tv, and roomies 3 and 4 can only watch cable in roomie 2's room[ my onetime livingroom, now his domain when he's home. ]
so for the sake of keeping them happy, i go without. when i do speak up, roomie 1 snarls 'you have to have YOUR WAY', not realizing that he has his tv on from the moment he wakes till he goes to sleep, and spends most of his hours bitching that there's nothing good to watch and what the fuck are we paying for?  clutching onto his tv--- but disgusted with it.  when i ask if i can watch something, he doesnt see it reasonably but as proof of my 'having to have control, and getting everything MY way'.
he chooses to categorize it that way, unwilling to grasp that yes, when i do ask for something for myself, i AM asking to have something 'my' way. think about it. who else is going to ask for me, but ME? isnt that my place to ask, if i want something?  and since he is so disgusted with tv, perhaps he shouldyeild to someone else, who hasnt exhausted all the programing offered, who will find things interesting, which he has dismissed, and just maybe, go find something else to do----talk to his friend, perhaps. go read a book in another room. work on his artwork or his poetry.  try getting up in daylight and see what he world has to offer out there, not sleep the day away and choose deliberately to stay awake all night. what, among these ideas, is so repulsive and unreasonable and unbearably tyrannical?
he will not consider these suggestions.  he answers them with ';  oh, THIS again!'  he gets his way, with either tantrums, ridicule, sulking, or anger. he makes a lot of noise and disturbance when awake. wakes up mad. crashes around, cussing at inanimate objects.  slams doors. tv goes on. he sulks and sneers in his room---which is central to all the other rooms.
and then begins snarling aatvillains on tv or else at the conscience nagging in his head ' you need to go get milk. you need to go buy tobacco. the lawn needs to be mowed. the bathroom needs to be cleaned. the bills need to get paid. work work work. get up and do it!'
and he then snarls at those voices out loud, adressing them as if they are people in the room with him.  we have to listen to this, as if he is fightng with people in the house that we cant see.  it makes the cats get afraid, because they cant tell who he's mad at, only that there's a fight starting.
sometimes i stick my head in and curtly remind him ' hey! quiet down! they arent real, but WE, ARE!'
or i just put up with it.
he knows he does it.
 he claims he's working on it, but the cycle repeats. he's stuck. doesnt want any help.  he exerts his own kind of tyranny, getting HIS way by anger, tantrums, ridicule, and throwing his fits.  or sinking into overdramatic Depression, muttering 'nevermind. it doesnt matter. cant change anything. i'm the asshole.'
i offer alternative approaches.
--look at this as the best we've ever had it since we met.
--tune out those voices.
--take the buddhist view: be mild to those voices and wave them off.
--give yourself slack. take a day off on purpose. just to discard them.
--if there's a job you'd like someone else to take on, say so. 

he grumbles and wont try any of these. easier to blame and hate those imaginary others, than to change yourself. and to tell yourself its useless, because 'they ' have all the power...

roomate #2 has changed, a lot, from the way he was when he first slept on our floor.
12 years ago, he didnt drink. now, he keeps beer stocked in the fridge and starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work. he thinks it doesnt affect him. but he gets slurring and cant grasp complex ideas as he drinks more cans.
i never agreed to have this in my home.
my mother was an alcoholic and was never without a beer or vodka in her fist.
it revulsed me then and it's abhorrent to me now.
all my efforts to talk to roomie #2 sail right past him. he thinks its nothing, he thinks it doesnt affect him or affect the household or his relationships with anyone. it does, but he won't see it.

i never wanted my home to becom a stoner den or a drinking house. neither does the mom or the daughter.
 roomies 1 and 3 were heavy drinkers, many years ago. but they each came to stop by their own life choices. i've never been into alcohol, because of watching my mother. cannabis and i dont get along well either. parted ways decades ago. but these guys wont stop. they ignore and rationalize it away, every time i bring it up.
won't stop, won't move out, won't listen when i bring it up.

mom homeschools their daughter. on school nights, they go to bed at midnight.  roomie#1 stays up all night with tv on. his room is central to all the others. if roomie #2 comes in, he's drinking and he wants to talk. the two of them unconsciously raise their voices to be heard over the tv. if i'm in the room, i become aware of the rising loudness and i say something to get them to bring the noise level back down.
roomate #3 takes this as me ordering him to leave, and goes back in his room alone.  it's not, but he believes it's that.  roommate #1 thinks i'm jealous and don't want him to give his buddy any attention.  that's not it, either! i'm just aware that they're getting louder and louder and they are going to wake up mom and daughter in the room ten feet away!
i ask for the guys to shut the bedroom door. sometimes they try, but dont shut it completely. or one goes out and forgets. or comes back and forgets.  number 1 goes into his angry sneer at what he calls the 'preciousness' of mom's need for quiet thru the night. but he has set himself against her and the whole world, by deciding he's not gonna be awake for daytime and going to stay up all night. its his way of saying fuck you to the world and the tyranny of everyone who lives by The Rules.
except, his entrenched rebellion isnt affecting any of the people he hates and blames for it; its only affecting US--- the people he lives with. and the cats who live with us.  and of course, perpetuating his own misery. because he's acting it out, and giving it all the control it wants to take, not trying to change anything or understand why he does it.

number 2 drinks several more cans of his beer, they both get stoned, and serious understanding becomes impossible in the face of both of them taking in intoxicants which are further and further impairing their brains. it probably is also a factor in why they get louder as their company goes on.
if i remain in the room with them, i have to tolerate the falling level of intelligence and conversation, and lose a lot of what's happening on tv. if i leave, there's nothing to do but go back in my room alone and wish there was something to do. and they don't notice their inconsideration.


last night, when they started their talking over the tv, geting stoned, i tried inviting roomie #2 to have a seat and get interested in tv.  he opted  to interpret that as my wanting him to leave.  roomie #1 got angry and accused me of driving him out. i tried to explain that i had no such intent. the argument rose. he said i wanted 'my' way again. 'no,' i insisted, 'i didnt. this wasnt about me. it was for the sake of a school night, needing quiet.'
i was shouted down. they each wanted to cling to their respective mistaken beliefs. what i was trying to head off and prevent from happening, surged forward in worse force than if i had just left. this was the wrong time to try to bring up the solution i had wanted to propose to them. my bellowing it over the arguing voices went unheard.
what i had wanted to propose to them, was, that instead of them talking, over tv, in the central room, when mom and daughter had gone to bed, they steer their talk back to the livingroom, where roomie #2 sleeps, which is as far to the other end of the house as you can get, without going into the garage. it takes the sound far away from my room and the mom's, doesnt break their conversation and comraderie, and the livingroom tv has the same programming accessible to number 1 as his room. if he wants netflix, fine, we can get a usb stick for that tv too.
'would mssr like anything ELSE to please his tastes. while i'm scrambling to placate his tantrums????  your morning jacket and slippers, mah'ster? your newspaper, sir? perhaps a line of cocaine?  your flavored coffee, master? shall i bring you something to fling at the wall and break? to vent your usual wrath upon? will there be anything else?"

goodness knows, with a petulant, spoiled, tantruming child in the white house, we dont want to do anything to upset tantrumers, anywhere!
they're sure that the whole world is conspiring against them, so they can't have what they want!  it's so UNFAIR!


so you tell me---am i wrong in this? am i being a bully? a tyrant?
am i demanding to get everything my own way? am i being selfish? am i being a 'control freak'? this IS my house. i am the only one here who has the responsibility to fix parts of the house that stop working, and the power to do so.
i pay for all repairs and replacements.
no one else here can order utilities or internet or tv in their name, much less provide it for anyone else. 
i look around at what happens, and try to arrive at a way to let each person have as much of what they want as possible---tho it may mean we each give up something--- in order to have the rest.
it feels like i am constantly giving up things i feel i am justified in asking for, in order to placate someone else.   i'm sure the others would say the same. yet every try i have made, to call a house meeting, to have everyone tell what they would like to be solved, meets with zero response. no one wants to have one.

i think about what would happen if i just left. what if i took all these accounts out of my name and waited? how long would it be until they realized what happened? what would they do?

so what am i missing here? what would you do, in my place?  much as roomie #1 hates to face it, i AM the leader, here. SOMEONE has to drive this car, and it's me. no one else here can step up and take over my job. all of these people have lived on their own in other places, not needing me. roomie number 1 came into an inheritance of 110,000dollars and doesnt want to touch it.  he lets me spend everything--- but gets in my face and tells me i'm the bully, when i declare a rule, to keep the dynamics fairer.
i've told every one of these roommates how i want them all to make their plans to move along, to their next place.

but nothing changes. the men havent so much as gone looking for apartments, and years have passed. mom never stops looking, but the money hasnt come thru.
so how do i get this to someplace better?  is it me? or is it one of them? or is it more than one?
why cant i get them to act??


know what?
i think i'm being played, here.

do you see something i'm missing, here?
if we're all unhappy, why can't we just put that on the table, and come to an agreement on what to do, to move us all up to the next steps we want to go to?
nobody wants to be unhappy. nobody HAS to be. there is means here for the men to find a place together and move out. that would take their toking and drinking and rowdiness out of this house and free them from the constraints of having to 'be nice' for the females. it would take the pressure off the bathroom conflicts and too many people under one roof.
it would lessen the anger index, with no more disgust at dealing with people in an impaired state, who stay that way by deliberate choice.
it would give back the privacy that grown adults crave, and the free agency of solitude, so sorely lacking here.
it would remove the day people from the night people, and end the sense of the boys conspiring to rebel against, defy and defeat the girls.

everyone here has their own stubborn ideas. its like they dont want to let anyone in. they believe nobody can help, that the way they're toughing it out is the only way it has to be.

and here we are, fucking unhappy.

i know i am. i know each of them, is.
wtf can be done?????

comments are on.
message me at fb.
email me if u want.

phone me if u have my #.

the floor is open. jump in.